The Autistic Experience

People come into our lives and change us; alas time upheaves all. We pretend to carry on as the burden buries in our heart. We learn to accept our new truths and life and learn to smile but the sting stays forever with us. Pain, we learn to forget and find distraction because it is unbearable to be this way. You don’t need a reminder for all those left behind. All those departed can no longer be felt without lingering in the pain. We accept forgetfulness over the beauty of the bonds that we once shared.

My experience has always been a struggle and a pit in my stomach when I have had to say goodbye. A regret when someone is leaving or I have had to move. For someone who is autistic I have had to move a lot my whole life. I learnt to say goodbye and fear intimacy until I found my first love. We settled in the same city, and I no longer feared losing you. I grew close to you, learnt to believe in love and make sense of what intimacy was. I accepted that my cold façade and disdain for love was an act. I was trying to protect myself from breaking every time I said goodbye to a friend. I said goodbye to the tears of shame and guilt. I found you and you loved me more than I had ever felt or ever since. I found myself in your arms and grew in our cocoon. As we hid from the world that hated us and silenced our prayers for salvation I found God in our love. I found the compassion He has for us. I believed and found certainty that the God I worshipped was kind. He loved us and I felt that in the love we shared. In the name of the same God, you were forced into oblivion. We were parted and the thorns of reality tore my soul as I found the flower we bloomed wilting away. I learned that people may leave and that may not be their choice. I found reality breaks who ever dares cherish and witness a moment of salvation. This world was never meant for companionship. The world that lashes and stones you for your sexuality can never understand the beauty of God. The God they worship is a tyrant and an envious God that can not allow the love between His creations. He blooms grief, shame and pain. You know only sorrow and blame in His wake.

Foolishly I resented the God they spoke of and fought till every end. I found people leave you and they are just as selfish as the God they worship. We are pawns that serve for a moment and decay from their memory as soon as the circle of hedonistic desires is complete. I danced in their glory, I marked myself in their celebrations, and I only found myself scarred and my body tainted. A moment in the life of God that I loved was better than the God they worship. I find Him in the bleeding of my heart and I feel him in the aching of my soul. But in my life I no longer know His love, I miss His comfort and find emptiness all around.