The burning sun is an exploration of sexuality, abuse, love and self-acceptance for a neurodivergent person who burns in the light.
The Burning Sun
I am not a person that can hate, I am not someone who can split. I have always loved the people I have loved, and once I love someone it is impossible for me to hate them, regardless of how much they have hurt me or put me through. My heart goes on and I…
You never wanted me
In a ballad of lovers, You were my only one, My feathers spread, And my heart, Only for you, In the dance of fish, You were my only one, Your soul my pearl, And your body, The only one. I forgot in the shining of stars and in the flowering of His fields, God shares…
Truth in black and white
It is easy for me to place you in a corner of my heart that makes sense of you as either good or bad. But the reality is that you were a person who had good and bad. You treated me with kindness and love, but we were incompatible, and your attachment styles were not…
A Lesser Evil
In flight from a serpent I fell into the arms of a scorpion… Can’t believe I fell for another. Can’t believe I did not see the patterns when my body was telling me. Even when my newly found self-respect told me I should not be treated this way, I chose you and loved you. I…
Unseen
I find myself saying goodbye. I do not know where life stands, I had believed for a perfect world with you and loved you with all my life. I always respected you, but you never felt the love and respect I gave you. You doubted it all. In my worst night in my worst fall,…
Endless Love
How can I forget the love you gave, the warmth I felt in your embrace, the beauty of your soul and the gentle touch. You filled my life with positivity, deepened my connection to my soul and body, reminded me of the good things in life and reacquainted me with my values. In a world…
Secret Love
I handed myself over and gave your everything, but you could not accept me as yours, you hid me and left me for my dysregulation. I forget I am autistic and always think highly of the people I love and trust them and build my life around them. I gave you love, companionship, supported you,…
Rose
In moments of pain and moments of loss, I have never faltered and never strayed. In moments of love and compassion, I have remembered you often and relinquished control over to you. Love is strange and many times it is complicated. I have always loved God even when I was told that I was hated…
In Between
It will never be enough; we will never be enough. They cannot value someone who gives them their all, who loves them and cares for them. They cannot appreciate what we give because they don’t feel the same. We delude ourselves into thinking about a fantasy that is not true. Fantasies are another word for…
As we burn
Moving on can be lonely and being alone can be terrifying but if we rely on ourselves, we are never alone. We spend endless energy in trying to please and love people. It is a long process where we let someone in, expose ourselves to them and chose to be vulnerable just so we can…
Healer
We carry the weight of the world, and we hold it in our hearts. Limited spaces for our own feelings. We bare the pain and suffering of those we heal and carry the traumas with us. With light that we give others, we carry the darkness they pay us with. Sometimes the journey is on…
New Hope
Under the burning sun of life, you often find yourself in shade of the cool moon. It sparks a new beginning, and the dawning moon gives you hope. You take a moment to rest in the comfort of her light and recover from the blisters of the relentless sun. It has been a cruel day,…
Held
I never knew my worth until I found myself. I only found you when I found myself. You treat me with respect, love and compassion. Growing in a world that treats us less than and calls us disabled we internalize the experiences. We call ourselves by the names of our oppressors and accept that we…
Nauseated
Your worlds are apart, and they may never connect. Things may make sense, but they may never fit. It isn’t the amalgam of metals but the twining of souls. It is never clear and never conscious. We can try moulding ourselves into an acceptable image and change our colours to become more beautiful and palatable,…
Resilience
In a world of lies, there is only one truth. Truth of who you are and who can light the world for you. What we internalize and are gaslit into believing by society is that we need another person to open the doors for us. We need another “abled” person to better enable us to…
Purpose
I see you and in you I see myself. A shadow, a glimpse of my past. Sometimes meeting other autistic people can amaze me of the endless beauty we hold. The endless compassion and how our whole universe stands still, and we no longer know how to go without the epicentre of our love. We…
Not in vain…
It is okay to hurt, it is okay to heal. Love has many forms, and it is okay to feel pain when we love someone with all our being. It is okay to feel misplaced. Like a seed sown, we nurture it, and it takes time to grow, we protect it and give love. It…
Unsettled
How can I forget the years we spent? The love we shared and the promises I made. I was always truthful, always wanted you and I imagined a lifetime with you. I miss our son who stopped me from crashing my car and handed me support. I miss his smile and I miss the hope…
The lingering cold:
Upon wings of a dove, bring my seasons of love… From the melting glaciers to the high tide the wondrous sun and the porous hide Melts my heart raises my blood my breath, my beat brings me love……. The rustle that surrounds broken heaps and mounds shattered, barren all the time of fall My tears tear a glance my heart stops the dance lonely I await broken I…
Pixelated:
“When you hold me and tell me I am beautiful.” Denying ourselves we have grown in a society that has fueled our difference and made us feel impaired. Not born but rendered disabled, we have had very limited options in exploring what we can offer the world. The truth is the world needs artists, scientists,…
Help isn’t coming…
It is strange, in this world we look to others for help. We ask them for support, and we reach out to them, but they never respond. Sometimes we can ask the wrong people for help. Not knowing who to ask for help is perhaps one default we are born with. We may rely on…
Void (Suicide Trigger Warning)
A slit on the wrist and an overdose of my medications. I will finally sleep and not wake in this endless suffering. Thoughts of preservation, and sweet deliverance of the end. What sweet feeling must it be to not feel this pain. I drown in the sorrow and a pit in my stomach consumes me…
Dysregulated
Dysregulated, unnamed, and untamed. Regulating emotions is something I have struggled with since childhood. My earliest memories are of my obsessive behaviour and the second is of emotionally dysregulated version of myself, crying, praying to God to be with my family forever and wanting to end my life because of loneliness. My emotions have always…
Drowning
My mind becomes numb and my body shuts. I do not know what my emotions are, and I have spent my entire life learning to navigate the emotional burden passed on to me. With generational wisdom of emotions that does not aid me, I am left on my own. We are alienated by our genetics…
How to spot a narcissist…
With teeth razor sharp and grip strangling, like a serpent you held me. You said you wouldn’t let me go. I thought what you had to offer was love. Alas, you controlled me. You did not love me, but you needed me to be yours. I was your possession. Something you smothered the life out…
S.T.I
“I am with you and empty still, next to you and alone.” It is funny how life puts you in situations you have no control over. Everything can be fine and appear as though you have it in control, but it only scratches the surface. Inside you are tired of holding the fort. Everyone has…
Pendulum
I am told I am not good enough. My efforts not adequate and nothing complete. My struggle is sometimes understanding if part of my personality is autistic or because of my ADHD. As I write this, I am reminded that regardless of what “disability” I have, I am me and for others I will always…
Lost myself in Autumn
“You bid farewell in autumn and left me craving for spring. I yearned for your presence, but you never came.” In a world of lost connections, we often find ourselves, trying to fill the void. Lovers, friends, and God. We replace the gaping hole left in us by our families and the world by fitting…
Friend indeed
“I lay with scars as my soul withers, and I break daily with tears of blood.” I continue to let others take advantage of me and continue to end in situations that make me uncomfortable. I allow myself to be tethered to things when an experience of authenticity does not exist. Growing up neurodivergent you…
Burnt Feathers
“I stood there waiting but you never held my hand, you let me go.” Things most autistic people can understand that we give everything to belong. We have grown our entire lives wanting to fit into the right puzzle and when we find pieces that complete us, we connect them and piece by piece we…
Wonder
“I wonder what it’s like to be loved, to be held. Wonder what it’s like to be you, your closed off heart.” Wonder is all we have. Unable to understand and be involved in the experience of humanity, I have always learned to grow on the side. I have tried to involve myself in society,…
Coming Out
“No one with autism is the same and if you have met a person with autism, you have met a single person with autism.” Coming out can be a difficult experience not only when you are queer. It is particularly difficult when you are neurodivergent. You are the same person you have always been, but…
The Body Remembers: (sexual trigger warning)
I was stripped of choices from the beginning of my conception. I did not choose to be born into the world that punishes you for being different. My body was scarred when they took the choice from me. I was circumcised and not asked. I grew in a family that wanted me but every time…
O’ Doctor O’ My Savior
It started since childhood but not understood till adulthood. I was always different but never had a name for it. I struggled with blasphemous thoughts. I had to count every step I took, I had to wash my hands dry. My fingers bled as I was compelled to bite them. I bled my jaws and…
Body In Wonderland:
“I struggle to hold you daily, I suffer from the burden, and I still carry you with hate and shame.” Growing autistic, you don’t just develop a feeling of loneliness but have a disconnect with your reality and body. You somatize your pain and suffering. When all bodies look a certain way, and people feel…
Disabled
Isolated and misplaced. I was different from my conception, but I was disabled when people tried to force me into the boxes that only their minds can fathom. I have always thought of neurodivergence as a spectrum of light. We are all different and our lights infinite combination of shades. Our colours are too vibrant…
Caught in a narcissist’s web
Its so heartbreaking, I have always felt alienated from society. Always unwanted and I have made that my narrative. I have been gaslit by everyone into thinking there is a problem with me, when they are the ones that did not understand me. Surviving the abuse of this narcissistic society that praises values of control,…
The Autistic Experience 