The Autistic Experience

Author: Autistic Experience

  • Dysregulated

    Dysregulated, unnamed, and untamed. Regulating emotions is something I have struggled with since childhood. My earliest memories are of my obsessive behaviour and the second is of emotionally dysregulated version of myself, crying, praying to God to be with my family forever and wanting to end my life because of…

  • Drowning

    My mind becomes numb and my body shuts. I do not know what my emotions are, and I have spent my entire life learning to navigate the emotional burden passed on to me. With generational wisdom of emotions that does not aid me, I am left on my own. We…

  • How to spot a narcissist…

    With teeth razor sharp and grip strangling, like a serpent you held me. You said you wouldn’t let me go. I thought what you had to offer was love. Alas, you controlled me. You did not love me, but you needed me to be yours. I was your possession. Something…

  • S.T.I

    “I am with you and empty still, next to you and alone.” It is funny how life puts you in situations you have no control over. Everything can be fine and appear as though you have it in control, but it only scratches the surface. Inside you are tired of…

  • Pendulum

    I am told I am not good enough. My efforts not adequate and nothing complete. My struggle is sometimes understanding if part of my personality is autistic or because of my ADHD. As I write this, I am reminded that regardless of what “disability” I have, I am me and…

  • Lost myself in Autumn

    “You bid farewell in autumn and left me craving for spring. I yearned for your presence, but you never came.” In a world of lost connections, we often find ourselves, trying to fill the void. Lovers, friends, and God. We replace the gaping hole left in us by our families…

  • Friend indeed

    “I lay with scars as my soul withers, and I break daily with tears of blood.” I continue to let others take advantage of me and continue to end in situations that make me uncomfortable. I allow myself to be tethered to things when an experience of authenticity does not…

  • Burnt Feathers

    “I stood there waiting but you never held my hand, you let me go.” Things most autistic people can understand that we give everything to belong. We have grown our entire lives wanting to fit into the right puzzle and when we find pieces that complete us, we connect them…

  • Wonder

    “I wonder what it’s like to be loved, to be held. Wonder what it’s like to be you, your closed off heart.” Wonder is all we have. Unable to understand and be involved in the experience of humanity, I have always learned to grow on the side. I have tried…

  • Coming Out

    “No one with autism is the same and if you have met a person with autism, you have met a single person with autism.” Coming out can be a difficult experience not only when you are queer. It is particularly difficult when you are neurodivergent. You are the same person…