The Autistic Experience

Add another body to the count, shake it off and walk out the night.

My body has been a wonderland and my mind a war of fantasies. Brain chemistry is a beautiful thing that we fail to achieve the normalcy in. It is the coveted love that we never get and as we chase it we are spun in webs of shadows and darkness. Insanity is not just being spun in those webs but the desire for normalcy that we cannot attain.

Being mundane has always been boring because we cannot attain the normalcy we desire as night creatures. We are fellows of the moon and when we shine in the sun the sun shines brighter and burns us to remind us, we walk a different path and perhaps attainment of the day life is beyond us. Being neurodivergent you are blessed with all sorts of gifts and curses, a perspective of how you phrase them. Tourette’s syndrome has always made masking my divergence a difficult task and I was mocked for it and cast aside as a joke for being crazy, disrespectful and unhinged. Words are a matter of pride and cast aside I saw shadows and sought light. My curse was while with medications it suppressed that side it changed me into someone I am not.

Today as I look back in the last 6 months of being on aripiprazole I can see the gradual rise in impulsivity, hedonistic desires and poor choices. The violent sex, the change of sexual preferences, and the disdain that I live with now. Body at a time, vessels of carnal desire and fulfillment for a few hours. I have swung between men in a day and thought I was being sex positive. I have lived a sexual fantasy and enacted horrors. My body hurts but my thirst remains unquenchable. It gives away but my mind knows no bounds and seeks more thrill. I have put myself in situations where I frowned and walked out seeking the next. My heart pounding, my body shaking, the uncomfortable space, the anxiety overcome, the forbidden act and the thrill of invincibility. Alas now this feeling and the loss of control over wanting more.