The Autistic Experience

I found you without looking but I lost you while wanting you. I had to let go of so much of my heart. I had to close myself with in confines. I wanted to say I love you and I don’t want to let you go. But I have to let you grow. I must let go of your roots before my vines poison them.

I was reassured that if I broke, I could handle but I never thought of the damage it will leave on you and the impairment it will cause in my life. I promised you a life full of love and I wish it was me who gave you all those things. I wish I stared into your eyes at the end of my life and told you that I was happy that I found you but alas I am without restrain and I see myself bearing poison. Where has this darkness come from and why has it faded your beautiful starlight. Your light shines bright, but my vision is impaired by the blight in my life. I am not suited for you, and I must let you go to spare you the misery that I may rot in your life. My heart aches and I want to be selfish and not let you go. I want to belong to you, but I don’t think I am ready for a relationship. I am bringing toxicity into your life. I carry the wounds of my narcissistic abuse still and your normal responses trigger my trauma response and make me insecure. I wish when you said that you hope I find the love I am looking for because it wasn’t you, I could have told you that it probably is you, but I am not ready, and my heart still recovers from the abuse of my ex. It was his remembrance that blighted my heart and murk my vision.

I wish you understood the pain I carry, the decision that breaks me. I know I am not ready and as much as I want to be with you I know you will never give me a chance again. And my story will never end with ours.