The Autistic Experience

I am not a person that can hate, I am not someone who can split. I have always loved the people I have loved, and once I love someone it is impossible for me to hate them, regardless of how much they have hurt me or put me through. My heart goes on and I stop mourning the loss of the love I built for the both of us however my foundations were always strong, and they remain as a monument of our memory in my heart and in time. Whether we remain or not, time will remember, and nature will sing sonnets of my love. They will see the mark of my love and remember the compassion.

I have often talked about being caught in a narcissist’s web, and I am still entangled, enmeshed, and trapped. As though the players of the game advance and the challenges become harder. We often see narcissists as people who are self-assured, pompous, vain and cannot think of anyone but themselves. They attach themselves insecurely and avoidantly, they are controlling and are afraid of showing weakness and vulnerability. They lack the regard for others and keep themselves as number one, with survival as the main goal. They are attracted to fame, power and being worshipped. They relish in convenience and bask in the glory of their victims. Enjoying suffering isn’t inherently narcissistic but an additional antisocial part they share with their close relatives who are antisocial and criminal. While some may display antisocial tendencies, narcissists are concerned with being the best and them making someone fall isn’t to punish another, but for their own glorification. If everyone is a fool that makes them wise. Logical fallacies shared by most narcissists! While much of this is true. There are narcissists that hide their emotional vampirism behind the masks of mundanity. They disguise themselves to the world as angelic beings because they frown on what hell they have crawled from and from their trauma and remembrance of their inadequacies to be accepted by society, they make images of themselves that are acceptable. Anything that feeds that image is a narcissistic defence and in glorification of that being, they undertake tasks of compassion and go to depths to prove they are good. They are overcompensating for their true disbelief and deep insecurity of being inadequate. Anything that reminds them of their inadequacy is intense and overwhelming. They shy away from love and compassion because deep inside they don’t believe themselves to be worthy, however they insist upon getting the respect that is due them. They control the level of intimacy you have and manipulate what they say. And in their attachment styles they give away their reality. In all actions they appear caring and loving. But it roots from intentions of self-glorification. They will do anything to maintain that image and are exhausted from the façade, alas they delude themselves as much as they do others.

You controlled me and made sure I felt less than, you gave me scraps to live with while I fed you on a feast of love. You were so afraid of your inadequacy and made continuous efforts to keep the façade of someone who is likeable that you never saw me, someone who loved you without your masks and did not demand anything from you. I loved you as a night creature alas you wanted to live in the burning sun and burn everyone with you.