The Autistic Experience

In a ballad of lovers,

You were my only one,

My feathers spread,

And my heart,

Only for you,

In the dance of fish,

You were my only one,

Your soul my pearl,

And your body,

The only one.

I forgot in the shining of stars and in the flowering of His fields, God shares His love and bestows beauty but in His ways with men He interferes not. Alas I stand here a humble disciple embodying the pain of His men. I stand waiting for my love and the greatest lie was that love conquers all. It conquers none and it blooms even without one and ends even when in love.

I stand with regrets, not knowing if it could have been different, I stand with pain, not knowing what to say. Part of autism is the inner struggle to understand your emotions. I have practiced years to articulate my emotions and express in words how I feel, but it is not enough, not nearly enough. My heart aches and I have said that more than enough, but it fails to display the pain it carries, and my words rob my heart of the justice. They do not share its pain. I am alone and I had accepted that, I have never feared death and I had wanted that. But with you, life was worth living and I wanted another. It was hopeful and sky filled with shining stars. Alas the stars fall down and the sky crumbles. My world in disarray without you as I express my words of affection, you say goodbye. Goodbye is harder to say than sorry and it is easier for you to give up, but I wish you showed a fight, fight for us and stopped our fall.

I love you and I wished the beautiful life we shared together could have been enough, the joys not numbered and our days without end. I regret not knowing the last time I held your hand, the last time I walked with you in my street and the last night we spent. I regret every second we fought, and I know we made no sense for you but in my head, we were a perfect symphony. Our body as one, hearts intwined, and souls in harmony. But you never wanted me and you played my heart like guitar.