The Autistic Experience

In flight from a serpent I fell into the arms of a scorpion…

Can’t believe I fell for another. Can’t believe I did not see the patterns when my body was telling me. Even when my newly found self-respect told me I should not be treated this way, I chose you and loved you. I told myself that I was with the right person because I thought you were. I excused your behaviours and let you gaslight me into thinking that my emotional dysregulation was my mental illness when I have never had them. The only other time I had it was when I was with another narcissist. You suppress yourself through the abuse but when you learn to recognize the abuse you have emotional dysregulation. You know it in your body that it is not okay. I wrote about it and dismissed all my instincts because I chose to love you.

I see the patterns now and I blinded myself to yours, I excused your behaviours because you were autistic. Autistic people can be narcissistic as well. You were an upgrade in the sense you had prosocial cues. Your level of empathy marked as the façade that makes you perceive yourself as a good person. You are a kinder person than most narcissists but that does not excuse your behaviour. Your attachment styles and gaslighting was there. You assumed you were the epicentre of information and the second guessing, disrespect, gaslighting and not treating me of my worth, all these patterns of control and felt supremacy were always there. I suppressed my better judgement and chose to fall for someone who could not support my mental health and were very selfish of protecting theirs and safeguarding their space. Your felt supremacy and perfection was so fragile that the minute I threatened it you pulled away. You created scenarios for me to feel less than and as I felt so you gaslit me for overreacting. My mind felt the unfairness you treated me with. You took more of me than you gave. The positive changes I deluded myself saying you made were never brought in by you but myself as a response to who you were and what I did for you. What I did for you reminded me of my spiritual connection and out of your abuse I started this blog. And since the start I have been burning in the flames of this sun. The burning sun claims my heart and you had clenched my soul. Thanks for letting it go and that has been the kindest thing you could have done. Your ego was stronger than your will to be loved and control. You recognized you were a narcissist and joked about your lack of empathy and as you hid your heartless remarks behind a laugh calling them savage, I dismissed them for your autistic obliviousness. Autism is a struggle with the cognitive empathy and not the affective kind.

Alas I am stuck in a pattern of narcissists who keep getting better at masking and as I go on, I keep trusting in humans to be better. I should realize as I wrote, with you I felt like no one could truly love me, and I fell in doubt. We could have not made it work because I gave you endless love and you gave me controlled versions of yourself.