The Autistic Experience

I find myself saying goodbye. I do not know where life stands, I had believed for a perfect world with you and loved you with all my life. I always respected you, but you never felt the love and respect I gave you. You doubted it all. In my worst night in my worst fall, I would never hurt you and never disrespect. Alas my words sounded so, and you broke it all.

I regret my divergence sometimes and I hate that I struggle to communicate the love and respect I have for people. People assume that I am disrespectful, or I order them, when I have always asked things as requests. I am seen as someone who is dominant because of my physicality but to those who know me and my trauma, they should know I struggle to sound my voice. I struggle to express my emotions and I painfully mold myself to please others. It is heartbreaking that in the end the person I loved told me I ordered them. I regret how my words have sounded and I struggle to fathom what makes me sound demanding. I fail to understand this fake politeness. You can order with the words please, and still not have half the respect in your heart than a phrase of assertion. I mask daily and I grow tired of being normotypic. And you caught me in my divergence, tired of masking, when I asked you, and that for you was an insult. I always understood your divergence. You failed to understand mine. I hate sarcasm and I don’t do a good job of it. At then end you wanted me to be playful and when I used it I did not in the right way. And the only time I used with you was the last time I was allowed to. This is why I don’t use sarcasm. I struggle to understand it and I hate to use it. I hurt you and it hurt me. Language is such a mystery and human emotions complex. I am forced to accept a reality that is molded with regret and lined with pain. I feel misunderstood and I believe you forgot who I am. I know you knew me but perhaps you didn’t see me. You gave up on us and left me to fall. It is hard to struggle in divergence. It is harder to navigate another’s divergence. And it is impossible to explain another divergent person your divergence. If they want to know you, they will and in the end if they don’t see you, they never did.