The Autistic Experience

I handed myself over and gave your everything, but you could not accept me as yours, you hid me and left me for my dysregulation.

I forget I am autistic and always think highly of the people I love and trust them and build my life around them. I gave you love, companionship, supported you, would have protected you and changed everything about myself for you. In 9 months of knowing you, I wasn’t allowed to call you my boyfriend. You kept me hidden from your work colleagues and since the start I was a dirty secret for you. You hid me since the day I showed up for you. You introduced me to your friends but would not be able to hold my hands or show affection. I was invisible when they were around, and you would never say words of love to me in front of another. Growing up in a country where I was hidden and told to be ashamed of being myself it mattered to me to be able to be myself, and I told you every time. But it didn’t matter. My time, my mental health and my life did not matter to you. I remember the good times we had but I also remember the times when you left me waiting for 4 hours for you, when you thought me getting assaulted brought negative energy into your life when I told you about it. I remember when I was suicidal and about to kill myself, I told you, but you talked half an hour about your day and I listened even at my lowest because I always wanted you to be heard and safe, at the end you told me you didn’t know what to do in a situation like this. I remember all the times you protected me, made me feel loved when we were on our own. And on our own you treated me well. You cared for me, made gestures for me and shared kindness with me. But on one of the worst days I have had, you broke up with me after I had come to make an effort for you. And I had to travel an hour and a half with eyes watering in public. You lied to me when I had asked you three things at the start of our relationship, honesty, truth, and loyalty. Alas in the end you told me you were afraid I was going to pull a knife on you. Was it racism or was it because you think I am a mentally unwell person and that is what we do. It broke my heart because it means you did not know me at all.

All these times loving you, wanting to say I love you. I craved your love, and not receiving what I knew I was worth, feeling like a dirty secret I went into episodes of dysregulation and sabotaged everything. And in the end, I took the blame we broke up because of my episodes of dysregulation where I became disconnected, cried, and needed love and reassurance, curled up in a corner of my bed thinking about ways to rationalize why you wouldn’t show me the affection I felt like I deserved. We had friction and you gave up on us instead of fighting for us. Instead of loving me every time I needed your love you moved further away. We both are good people, but you were not ready to commit, and I needed love. You were avoidant and I became dependent. I became dysregulated and you moved further away. You came close when I appreciated you but moved further away when I complained. In the end I became bitter and bruised your ego and that broke us completely. In a world of breakups this was a very hard break up because you decided to end things, which I know was the right decision because we were chipping parts of each other away, but we had beautiful moments together and I loved you deeply. I wish you all the best in life and I hope you never make another feel like they are a secret. Secrets can be damning, and secret love can never last.