The Autistic Experience

In moments of pain and moments of loss, I have never faltered and never strayed. In moments of love and compassion, I have remembered you often and relinquished control over to you.

Love is strange and many times it is complicated. I have always loved God even when I was told that I was hated by Him. Perhaps that is a pattern. Falling for people who hate me. But I know God does not hate and I have relinquished control over to Him. Alas that is a flaw in human relations. I cannot allow myself to be someone else’s. I lose autonomy and lose my voice and find myself dysregulated. It is stranger that we go on loving with different paces. In a garden of Eden, why did Eve only choose the forbidden fruit. What makes us choose the people in our lives. I have often wondered. I was plucked from my roots as I became yours and lost my standing. I disconnected myself from the garden and became your rose. Alas you are unsure and testing my scent. I may be a good rose but am I the only rose you want. Are you willing to be known with this scent forever. I understand your thoughts and it is hard to accept something eternally synonymous with you until you are ready. But I am a flower and my petals delicate. I break as I have been plucked from my roots and planted myself in the soil again. My petals have withered, and my seed sown many times over. I have grown myself again and with each cycle I have become resilient. I fear as I become resistant to the harshness of summer my petals will become plastic and no longer hold the life and vigour I once had. My roots have been plucked too many times and I have lost my regenerative soul.

I hand myself to you, I become yours completely. I give myself over to you and I accept that I am your rose. It is your decision to take this dying flower or let it go. Regardless, my scent will follow you and you will remember my name.