The Autistic Experience

It will never be enough; we will never be enough. They cannot value someone who gives them their all, who loves them and cares for them. They cannot appreciate what we give because they don’t feel the same. We delude ourselves into thinking about a fantasy that is not true. Fantasies are another word for a world of delusion. They will always treat us less than because we are just that to them. Actions speak a lot louder and with the absence of words they echo into our life permanently.

As an autistic person I have always felt different and sidelined by society. I have experienced humanity as an outsider. I have learned to appreciate the behaviours of other humans and I still find myself writing “you” and correct it as “us”. I am still new to experiencing emotions and being a part of humanity. Realizing and accepting autism has allowed me to embrace my difference and given me a sense of community. I know I am different, and I recognize and embrace myself. Still, I struggle to engage with others and understand love. I understand humanity very well, but I do not understand humans. They always keep me on edge and part of it is the mystery I love but alas I am afraid to embrace the uncertainty.

I am afraid to express my love when I am uncertain if the other person feels the same. I am afraid to take the next step because when I love, I love deeply, and others are often deceitful and have layers of lies they hide under the umbrella of social complexities. It is simple, you either love someone or you don’t, and I tormented with the in between.