The Autistic Experience

I never knew my worth until I found myself. I only found you when I found myself. You treat me with respect, love and compassion.

Growing in a world that treats us less than and calls us disabled we internalize the experiences. We call ourselves by the names of our oppressors and accept that we are worthy of pain and suffering. It has taken my entire life to better able myself. My body scarred, my soul wounded and my mind split, my narrative has been held by others and they have taken my power. It took me a lifetime of therapy and self-searching to undo the damage that others inflicted on me. My story was of a child who was abused, a teenager who was isolated and an adult who was broken. My first love story was the only happy story, but it ended in a bitter truth of life. A country that doesn’t allow you to be together. Queer stories are silenced more than they are heard. My journey to another life began with a partner that abused me for better part of my 20s and as I came to the end, I separated myself from them. My journey allowed me to recognize that my misery had allowed in people who treated me miserably.

I found you and as I say goodbye to this year you remind me of all the joys of life, I wished with all my partners and had silenced myself into believing that will never come true. I had accepted my fate, and I am reminded my worth. I am thankful for you, and my life that has beauty in it. With the little time I have known you, you have not bombarded me with love but been yourself and that has inspired me to connect with my body and my soul. Remember my scars, share my truth, and allow myself to feel the love you have to offer. It is the moments when you are more concerned for my safety, your eyes that see with endless love, gestures that communicate intimacy and make spaces safe, and your compassion and desire to grow and celebrate. I feel held, I feel wholesome, and I am loved.

It may be a moment,
Maybe a lifetime,
When I rest with you,
I rest assured,
I am held,
I am close,
I am needed,
wanted and desired,
It may be a moment,
but with you a lifetime,
As I lay next to you,
I know I am held,
With you, safe,
And cared for,
As long as you hold me,
I will hold you,
And longer by far,
I will want you,
I will need you,
And be complete.