The Autistic Experience

Your worlds are apart, and they may never connect. Things may make sense, but they may never fit. It isn’t the amalgam of metals but the twining of souls. It is never clear and never conscious.

We can try moulding ourselves into an acceptable image and change our colours to become more beautiful and palatable, but the truth is in the end we are separate from them and may never fit in. Being wanted is a concept and fitting in the most difficult thing sometimes. We often jade ourselves into being lesser versions of ourselves just so we can fit in with a narrative that is different to ours. It is time we reclaim the power and change the dialogue. I find it hard changing my narrative that has been of someone who can be very intelligent but socially stupid. I have suffered at the hands of gaslighting, and those fumes have plagued my soul. I am no longer sure if my experiences are projected from my previous traumas, or I am triggered by the new experiences. It is a struggle to want to find new dynamics and places of comfort. It is always intense changing ourselves and every time we must make ourselves bend. It is hurtful and degrading when we challenge our sanity for suspecting signs. As a result, we turn a blind eye and face the consequences.

It is not easy to be dysregulated and lack emotional permanence. It is even harder to have history of narcissistic abuse and it is a struggle to have to dial down your compassion. You take the meal before it cooks properly, without seasoning and swallow it without chewing. It is unpalatable, nauseating, choking hazard and may cause food poisoning. Love has similar effects. You take your share before time and it becomes poisonous, intoxicating, anxiogenic and unpleasant.