The Autistic Experience

How can I forget the years we spent? The love we shared and the promises I made. I was always truthful, always wanted you and I imagined a lifetime with you. I miss our son who stopped me from crashing my car and handed me support. I miss his smile and I miss the hope of our daughter waiting next to you. I regret we never shared a life that I wanted. To ask you to marry under the northern lights and to hold you in my arms till the burning of the last star. My heart breaks thinking of it, and I break feeling the love I had for you.

You were never mine. I wish the love was not a lie and I miss being in your company. I miss who I thought you were, and I miss the love I felt. It wasn’t all bad and there were moments of love and comfort. I lost it all, I lost my friend. I made you everything and in 7 long years of challenges, fighting a nation against us and facing the tyranny against our love. Facing all odds and still making it. Struggling to see each other but making room in our hearts to hold ourselves. Unable to tell the world of our love, hidden, unknowing kindness, forbidden expression.

A day in your arms,
A moment in your heart,
I will never forget,
Never forge another,
What we held was special,
The fruit we bore sweet,
Our bodies warm,
Skin excited,
I will always remember,
The taste of your lips,
The chase after your heart,
My world in you,
My life in your joy,
My soul in your hands,
Alas nothing to show,
Nothing to hold,
Empty and destitute,
broken and unsettled…

I hurt and I will always be in pain, wanting to understand why my love was never enough to make you love me and not be someone who lied to me, gaslit me and had to make sure everyone hated me. I loved you and always spoke highly of you. It is what I felt and still feel. I cannot accept that you were not the same person. I cannot accept that you were insecure of me. My heart is in shambles and my mind in disbelief of what is real. I am left with the question I will never know the answer of and I love you too much to ask you and bring pain to you after what happened. My mental peace still holds second priority to yours and I will always want what is best for you. I will protect you and nurture you and make sure you are never hurt. My heart is in pieces and even though I love and heal, I fall. Even when I accept, I am in shock. And in all my disbelief, I am unsettled…