The Autistic Experience

A slit on the wrist and an overdose of my medications. I will finally sleep and not wake in this endless suffering. Thoughts of preservation, and sweet deliverance of the end. What sweet feeling must it be to not feel this pain. I drown in the sorrow and a pit in my stomach consumes me from within. The little air I have left is being sucked by this void. And I don’t think it will ever be complete.

I have had the thoughts to end my life since a very young age. 29 years of misery and wanting to die. Never wanting to be born. I have tried to make meaning of my life and always looked on the positive side of life, but alas never found happiness. Moments of joy and borrowing scraps from life. People see what I have accomplished and try to tell me I have done so much with my life, but none of that means anything because this misery will never leave me. I can be a healer and help people, but my own pain shall never subside. I have burnt myself to light the world for others and still can’t turn to ash. When will my flame leave me. My light has ignited the life of others and brought hope. Alas I burn and turn to darkness. And I keep igniting for others, but my light will not ignite hope for myself. I will not have my eternal flame and I will forever remain cast in shadows. I sit here numb, dissociating from purpose, empty and void. Devoid of love and life. I don’t believe I will ever be able to fill this void. I am too timid to demand for things and when the few people try to light my way, my sight is taken from me by this void.

I am caught in a freefall, and my suffering never stops. I am afraid to attach anymore because I know I am falling and it never ends. Not even broken bones and sticks and stones can give me peace. My soul needs to be taken away. Nothing will ever be enough to end this suffering. And there is no light at the end of this tunnel. It is empty and void.