The Autistic Experience

Dysregulated, unnamed, and untamed. Regulating emotions is something I have struggled with since childhood. My earliest memories are of my obsessive behaviour and the second is of emotionally dysregulated version of myself, crying, praying to God to be with my family forever and wanting to end my life because of loneliness.

My emotions have always been overpowering and I have had flux of overwhelming moments. My emotions build up and without the language to express them, I feel numb and isolate myself. Every stimulus is overwhelming, and I tell everyone I am completely fine. I have been thinking a lot about the abuse, and my traumas are being resurfaced as I work through them, overcome my barriers and the walls I built to protect my fainting heart. Songs are overwhelming. Music heartbreaking and pictures filled with sorrow. I see parts of my life and remember I used to be innocent, and my innocence was raped from me. I was stripped of my faith in humanity, and as I open myself with hopes to help others understand, I am left exposed. I am naked in front of everyone, and my body showing scars of my abuse. You can see scars of mutilation and hate on my body and if you gape through my broken soul, you will see voids of darkness sucking my light. Voids of trauma, narcissistic abuse, slandering and shame. Persecuted for being different.

I am reminded that I need to ask myself what, why and how every time I feel something in my body. My reactions are visceral and my emotions confusing. I need to discover what I am feeling and spill over my secrets, so I have room for new emotions. I am filled to the brim, and I overflow. I am perplexed and fail to understand my mind. I am well but not doing okay.