The Autistic Experience

“I am with you and empty still, next to you and alone.”

It is funny how life puts you in situations you have no control over. Everything can be fine and appear as though you have it in control, but it only scratches the surface. Inside you are tired of holding the fort. Everyone has tried to tear it down. The delusion of control can be a bliss and I am saddened by my sanity.

I have tried to be there for everyone in my life and it has drained me. I am left regretful for not preserving my energy for myself. I sit alone in the darkness craving the light I lent everyone. They never gave it back. My compassion, love and kindness has been abused. What I lent them to feel love, they never returned and stole it from me. Photon at a time, I am lost in darkness. When I met you, I created new light. Out from my darkness I bloomed a flower and created a fruit that burned bright. With its colours, it brought beauty in my life. As it grew it made me feel alive. I was capable of compassion again. Alas, you plucked it from its roots to add to the collection you made. You sniffed me as you held another in your hand and mixed my scent with theirs. Now I carry the rot you brought into our life. I am wilted and my petals dead. My roots dry and my stem barren.

Sometimes you are left with the consequences of other’s decisions because you trusted them. We make a prison for ourselves because we allow others to take control over us. We have grown up non-conforming and now when we find someone like us, we leap with joy. But people with divergence can be just as scary and their companionship just as unclean. They are layered with the society’s façade and wilting in their reality. They don’t value your fruit and appreciate only bitterness in life.