The Autistic Experience

I am told I am not good enough. My efforts not adequate and nothing complete. My struggle is sometimes understanding if part of my personality is autistic or because of my ADHD. As I write this, I am reminded that regardless of what “disability” I have, I am me and for others I will always be inadequate. It is heartbreaking when every relationship and friendship I have had, I have struggled to maintain.

I make friends easy but maintaining friendships is overwhelming. I am scattered, all over the place and my life is chaotic. My mind pendulates across dimensions but by the time it comes back, it is too late, and the observers gone. It takes all my strength to be present and I have never been told that my focus was incomplete, and I did not “see” someone. Alas, there are always reality checks of your disability and inability. It is a struggle to write this blog in emotionally charged moments, it is impossible to read a book and it is difficult to juggle friendships with the overwhelming life I live. There are moments when I think, maybe I shouldn’t be making friends, but then my desire to experience connection overpowers my wisdom to avoid human contact. My supervisor confirmed yesterday if I had ADHD because they see me and despite not taking medications I am focused, determined, and well managed. They were impressed with my progress and work. I was proud but before I could share this with the people in my life, I was reminded that all the energy I had poured to focus on my work, costed me in friendships. I pendulate from work, social life and being a hermit. My focus sways across dimensions and the thing I am stimulated to work on, I dedicate myself to for a time. My supervisor had asked me if I was okay a week back because I seemed to be stressed and “disinterested”, but my friends were happy. It was enough to force me to focus on work and alas my friends find that I am inattentive or disinterested.

It’s a struggle to maintain any relation. I am forced to scatter my depleted resources from processing daily trauma, abuse, hate, and bullying, to work and social life. I spread myself thin across all planes and am forced back into my cocoon. I metamorphosize and relive the cycle. But it is never enough.