The Autistic Experience

“I lay with scars as my soul withers, and I break daily with tears of blood.”

I continue to let others take advantage of me and continue to end in situations that make me uncomfortable. I allow myself to be tethered to things when an experience of authenticity does not exist.

Growing up neurodivergent you internalize the chants of the society telling you how imperfect you are as they render you disabled. You accept that the world will always be a cruel place and you are alone. Rarely a dove enters your life. Plucked from its roots, separated from its source, peace charred with hate. You hold it and nurture; all it needs is love. It glows with love and shines with purity. Not every experience is bad, and you learn that while love may not always manifest in romance but true companionship. It surrounds you, guides your way and accompanies you. As you fall in darkness, it illuminates the world around and helps you make sense.

Sometimes as friends, we find companionship in other autistic people and as much as I have struggled, my best friend, I have seen so much resilience in them. I often wonder at times how I ended up finding them. Someone who makes you feel seen, hold you, protects you and even though they represent peace and have forgiven every abuse they have endured, they turn in to a flacon to protect you from any harm. Your suffering is unbearable for them, and you truly are the same soul dwelling in two bodies.

Sometimes the love of your life is your companion, your friend and no number of lovers can change that. What we have is something sacred and our souls vibrate in harmony. You have taught me to forgive myself, when I had shame, allowed compassion within when I held hate, embrace pain when I escaped and appreciate that life is a mixture of love and suffering and there is nothing purer than finding love and enduring the suffering together.