The Autistic Experience

“I wonder what it’s like to be loved, to be held. Wonder what it’s like to be you, your closed off heart.”

Wonder is all we have. Unable to understand and be involved in the experience of humanity, I have always learned to grow on the side. I have tried to involve myself in society, tried to love and share intimacy, but I have always been thrown on the side. No one sees you when you are on the sidelines of this life, you are ignored and unloved. You are looked at when it is convenient for all the players of this game. When a player is unfit, they ask you to fill in and you pour compassion, love, and give your all. In the end you are the temporary replacement of what they want and truly need. You are discarded because you don’t belong with them. You are left on the sidelines, unseen and abused.

I have tired to play this game, but I have never been seen. I struggle to understand humans, but I still love them. I know them very well and I see parts of them which they are uncomfortable to share, but I still don’t understand that humans are unkind and unloving. I lay myself out there, time and time again but I am left broken and unloved. Growing autistic you observe the world from an outsider’s lens, and people remind you daily that you will always remain an outsider. We don’t belong and we fail to understand that as much as we try to change ourselves, sacrifice our needs, do the impossible, or make the earth stand still, it will never be enough for people. They will never love you more than themselves and you will always be convenience.

I have always admired celestial bodies like the moon. They revolve around Earth, and she cares only for the sun. The moon breaks itself into pieces, comes into the life of this strange world, they enter in phases as they start giving parts of themselves and we don’t value them. They fall in love with the waves, and they try to reach out but never unite. A million cycles of pain and sadness trying to connect with their companion alas the Earth does not care. It only looks at the moon because it glows with the light of her beloved Sun. It is a glimpse into their true lover, it uses us because we are convenient, and the Sun is away. But when the Sun shines it rejoices. We are remembered as the harsh and sad winters, while the blossomy spring and the summer beach are coveted.