The Autistic Experience

“No one with autism is the same and if you have met a person with autism, you have met a single person with autism.”

Coming out can be a difficult experience not only when you are queer. It is particularly difficult when you are neurodivergent. You are the same person you have always been, but everything changes post disclosure. Some people find it liberating to reveal their diagnosis while for most of us it is more complex. Most people don’t understand what you are telling them.

Post-diagnosis is another state. While it was liberating for me and everything fell in place, some people struggle to accept the diagnosis or even seek help. Unfortunately, most of the ones that get diagnosed are already on the road to acceptance. Understanding of neurodivergence plays an important role, particularly for adults who have always felt different but never been diagnosed. When an autistic clinician pointed out that I was autistic my first reaction was dismissal. They told me a few times and tried to give me information about what autism was, I heard but did not listen. Of course, there was autism in my family, and I knew what it was like. There was a lack in quality of social and emotional reciprocation which I did not think applied to me, “I was always so empathetic”. The first time I screened myself with the adult Empathy Quotient questionnaire I was surprised to see I scored 17/80 (below 30 being indicative). I asked all my friends what their predictive scores were and a unanimous response of above 75 was given. Of course, I later realized EQ tests for social empathy and empathy is of different forms. It was clear, there is not a lack of, but a difference in reciprocation of social and emotional cues. Most of my behaviours became apparent and it was only until I met my best friend when I realized how truly autistic they were, and by association, I was. It was like seeing a version of yourself in another person and seeing how brilliantly challenged you have been your entire life, but always endured everything with a smile and persisted trying to be an “accepted version” of yourself.

My friend had a similar reaction, and their experience was unique to them. I decided to speak with a mental health practitioner who could diagnose me, and I came across my neurodivergent therapist that has helped me understand myself and gain acceptance of myself. She helped me break the cycle of trying to be what others want and find out who I am. I still remember a month before I had met my therapist, my supervisor had asked me who I really was because she had seen that whatever feedback she gave me I made it happen and became who she wanted me to be. She wanted to know who I really was. I remember telling her that I didn’t know. I have always cared more about how others felt and trying to be the person they wanted me to be, I lost my own identity. Understanding autism helped me understand myself. The struggle was now to make others understand my experience. For someone who struggled to understand themselves and was unable to express due to their divergence, I have often failed to explain others who I am.

People have disbelieved my experience and asked me outright how I was neurodivergent, and as I struggled to explain, told me “That is nothing”. While others with a hint of sarcasm and minimalism added “Everyone is on the spectrum” or “Don’t make it a thing, you aren’t that autistic anyways”. While many challenge you and tell you that your struggles are concocted by your mind and therefore not actual, there are a few who “accept you”. They look at you differently and treat you differently. My parents were dismissive because I had accomplished so much in my life and most people “feel learning difficulties are part of autism”. And it is their feelings, lack of understanding and the inability to accept that they might not know something that poses a true obstacle for most of us. Only a handful of people in my life have understood my needs because they asked and listened. My ex used my autism to gaslight me further that they were not aware I was autistic and now they understand me better, so it naturally makes up for the every time they belittled my experiences, forced me to have sex, lied to me, controlled what I wore and who I was friends with, openly joked about gaslighting me, and the 15 times they cheated on me (that I know of).

Coming out can be different and for most people it is first about accepting ourselves and then rest of our lives explaining to others and proving how we are different but can no longer express ourselves because they have been silencing us all our lives and diminishing our experiences.