The Autistic Experience

Its so heartbreaking, I have always felt alienated from society. Always unwanted and I have made that my narrative. I have been gaslit by everyone into thinking there is a problem with me, when they are the ones that did not understand me. Surviving the abuse of this narcissistic society that praises values of control, power and deceit, is not easy. You grow with the sense of misplacement and internalize the process of judgement society has for you. You are told you are not good enough by society, just because you are different. 

You don’t plan behind them, you mean what you say, you are honest and the society we live in is manipulative, deceitful and calls the art of saying one thing but meaning another social intelligence. It is a society that thrives in sarcasm, lies, cheating, not showing their true self because of the fear of being vulnerable, avoids closeness and judges anyone that is remotely different. We do not abide with their rules, we are made different, and we do not have layers of masks that have different intentions. We are forced to put a mask of normalcy and just because it doesn’t fit us, they gaslight us by telling we are inadequate. They take every advantage of our innocence and sting us the first chance they get. We are no longer needed when it does not serve them. And when we recognize the abuse and accept we are autistic, they minimalize our experience. We are not allowed clarity lest we gain some independence from them.  

Growing up in a society that has beguiled me, and its people broken my trust, I have accepted that this is the way I will be treated. It is no wonder all the men I have dated have been narcissists as well. I am used to being told that I am not good enough, I am used to being told that my experience is invalid and whenever I have tried to escape, I have been gaslit for being responsible for breaking the relationship. I have been marked with scars of emotional, sexual and physical abuse and have been told to not trust people, but I still do. I know I lack the theory of mind for the normal society, but I accept it and embrace myself to be hurt by others. But as much as I have prepared myself and as many times I have been broken by deceit, betrayal and thinking people are good because I feel positively for them, every time someone repeats the pattern it starts from the beginning. I am different, people around me different and unkind but I still can’t stop searching for people who are not. I am autistic and tired of not understanding the social intelligence. I know the world is a dark place, but I believe it is good. I am tired of fueling my belief with kindness, compassion and love and I am afraid this world will never reciprocate.